Four weeks ago, I came out as transgender at my job. Since then, I have been out and presenting full-time and in general, it has gone well. At this point, my family, friends, and my job know that I am trans. However, I haven’t changed any of my social media. I don’t use them much, to begin with, but I was planning to come out and switch the names on the accounts the week I came out at work. I still haven’t and I have planned to do it every weekend for the last month. It is just so scary.
You would think that by this point I would be used to coming out to people, but alas it is still terrifying. In fact, I find it even scarier to do it online. A big part of that is the audience. A lot of the people I am connected with on social media are incredibly transphobic and will not hesitate to share their views. Many of them are old classmates or work connections. I don’t want to deal with that bigotry, and so I have been delaying coming out in a manner they would see. The other concern is the lack of control. Once I share that I am trans, I can’t control who sees that message. It is out there for everyone to see and that is terrifying to me.
In spite of these fears, I do need to change my information on my social media accounts. Although I don’t use them much, some people who I have come out to do use them to keep in touch with me. These people are still seeing my dead name when they interact with me and that bothers me a lot. I have tried to remove my dead name from anywhere others might see it, especially at work, but my social media is still there broadcasting my dead name. This is a problem. It also doesn’t feel like my social transition is complete until I change my social media. I have considered just leaving it for now, but it feels wrong to do so. I feel like I am leaving my transition incomplete until I come out on social media.
My current goal is to come out on my social media by this coming weekend. I have tried to set goals for changing my social media before, but I always find an excuse to not do so. However, I am optimistic that I will do so this week. I no longer want people who I have come out to seeing or interacting with my deadname, and that won’t stop until I come out on social media. I am still quite worried about receiving hateful messages or angry calls, but I can’t do anything about that. I can’t stop people from being hateful or bigoted and I shouldn’t let that stop me from doing things. However, that is easy to say and a lot harder to live.
Natalie's Transition Diary 