An unjustifiable sorrow

I am upset and it is nobody’s fault in particular. I got my hair cut the other day, something I try to do every two months to keep it presentable. I always make the same request: I am growing it out, so just even it out the back and sides and clean up the split ends. So I got it cut and it is an objective improvement. It is certainly better stylistically than it was prior to the cut. But they took off a lot of length, far more than I was anticipating. My hair is now the same length that it was 2-3 months ago. I am not taking it well.

I am devastated, but my emotional devastation feels completely unwarranted. I am stressed out and my dysphoria is through the roof. I don’t think it has ever been this bad, at least not since starting HRT. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without getting upset. It’s like looking at myself from 2 months ago and it just makes me feel so empty. But at the same time, it’s just hair. It will grow back. I know that I shouldn’t be so affected by this. It isn’t anyone’s fault that this happened, and its not like it’s a bad haircut. But I can’t avoid being bothered by it. I can’t let it go. I am almost three days out from it and I am still trying to put my shattered emotional state back together.

To me, my hair is more than just hair, it is the barometer of my transition. It was the thing that I could look at and go “ X might not be going well, but at least my hair is on the right track.” Even when I hid every other change, I could always see my hair. It was like a transition safety blanket, a physical reminder that I was transitioning. It also really helped make my face appear more feminine. The new cut is very masculine, and the way it frames my face brings out everything I hate about it. Losing so much length feels like going backward in my transition. I have effectively lost 2 months of progress. It is incredibly disheartening to have put so much effort and care into growing it out only to lose it.

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