I have been on hormones for 9 months and so far I have managed to keep my transition a secret. In all honesty, this has less to do with my own actions and much more to do with the general world situation. Covid lockdowns and working from home made it incredibly easy to not only remain closeted but to completely conceal every change. It’s hard for anyone to notice changes if nobody has seen you in person for 8 months. Despite how much my transition has benefited from my current situation, I always knew it was temporary. Things couldn’t stay like this forever and they didn’t. I have been ordered to start working in-office within the next 30 days.
My plan has always been to come out after two years on hormones. This was more idealistic than practical. The rate of changes from HRT goes down considerably around the two year mark, so it seemed like a good choice. I was never going to be able to hide the changes for that long, I just hoped that I could. Now, I have to deal with reality. I won’t be able to completely hide the changes if I have to work onsite. Several of the changes can be hidden, at least for a while, and others can be explained. But is only a matter of time. I can hide it in the short term, but once summer comes around it simply won’t be feasible. The amount of layers I need to hide the changes would give me heatstroke. At that point, I would have to come out. While it isn’t ideal, coming out is far better than people guessing it on their own or asking me about the changes.
Honestly, I don’t think I actually want to come out. Coming out is scary and staying in the closet is safe and easy. If it was possible, I would probably stay in the closet on hormones forever. Just being on HRT has significantly reduced my gender dysphoria and I am enjoying its feminizing effects. And frankly, I don’t see any positives from coming out. I don’t have anyone in my life who I am 100% certain will be supportive, but I definitely have people I know won’t be. Coming out will inevitably lead to conflict and confrontation, and I don’t really want to have to deal with that. I really wish that I didn’t have to come out.
Unless something significant changes, the longest I can see keeping my transition a secret is another 4-5 months. After that, all bets are off. I am not very happy about the prospect of having to come out. I don’t feel like I am as far enough along as I had hoped to be but the extent of my feminization is becoming impossible to ignore. My own body is forcing me out of the closet and it is incredibly scary. This wasn’t an issue as long as I was working remotely, but it doesn’t seem like I will be able to do that much longer. Once I have to return to work in person, it is only a matter of time before I either come out or my own body outs me.
Natalie's Transition Diary 