On December 18th, 2019, I decided to start hormone replacement therapy and my transition. It can’t believe it’s been over a year. It feels like it was only yesterday that I made that life-changing decision.
Looking back, it frankly amazes me that I ever decided to transition. Going through my journal entries from the time, it is clear how suddenly I had changed my mind. Two weeks before deciding to transition, I wrote “there are no good arguments for transitioning.” A week before, I was writing that “transition isn’t a realistic possibility in the foreseeable future.” Only a few days later, I was ready to start my transition and ask for a letter of recommendation (which to this day, I have never gotten). It was like flipping a switch, one day I was adamant that I wasn’t going to transition and the next day I could not wait any longer. Repressing it just got to be too much.
Overall, I am happy with how the last year of my life is gone (ignoring the obvious covid issues). I have been on hormones for 8 months and I am fairly happy with my hormone regimen and dosages. I am also content with my progress so far. My mental health is far better than it was prior to HRT. However, I am still frustrated that it took so long to start HRT. After deciding to transition, I spent 5 months fighting to get a letter of recommendation only to give up and use informed consent. Trying to do things the “proper” way was a mistake and I should have gone with informed consent from the beginning.
Despite the positive results, I still have some concerns moving forward. First, my hormone levels are still far from ideal. I believe that they are now good, but I won’t know for certain until my next blood test. I should be getting lab results back in the next week or two, so I will have a better idea very soon. My second concern is the limited changes that I am seeing to my face. One of the effects of MTF HRT is increased cheek tissue and decreased jaw tissue, which creates a more feminine face. However, I have seen very little change in my face while I have been on HRT, and in my opinion, those limited changes have made it appear more masculine. While this masculinizing may just be in my head, it worries me quite a bit. FFS is always an option, but at the moment I don’t know how I would afford it.
For only deciding to transition a year ago, I think I am in a pretty good place. I have been on hormones for 8 months, am seeing promising results, and am making slow progress on voice training. I have some concerns but I still have ways to alleviate any issues that arise from them. I am very happy that I have managed to get this far in my transition without having to come out. I still intend to keep it a secret as long as possible, and at the current rate, I may be able to do so for another year. I just might be able to come out of quarantine and shutdown with a “completed” transition (as if it is every truly done). I am incredibly happy that I decided to transition.
Natalie's Transition Diary 