The burden of doubt

Over the past few weeks, I have been plagued with doubt regarding my transition. This is not unusual, I have had my periods of doubt before. These doubts seems to return every time that I reach a major milestone in my transition. I had the same period of doubting when I hit 3 month. I suspect that this has to do with milestones causing me to reflect on my transition and evaluate the future. Milestones also serve as discrete checkpoints, a logical place to make a stop or continue decision. I suspect that this is why these doubts resurface every three months.

At the moment, I am experiencing two kinds of doubt: doubts about my transition and doubts about being transgender. The first kind of doubt, about my transition, is fairly common. When faced with these doubts, my head is filled with questions like “should I stop my transition?”, “is this a mistake?”, or “am I throwing away a good life”. At the core of all of these doubts is fear of discrimination. None of the fears are actually about my transition, but instead about how others will react to it. In a perfect world without discrimination and bigotry, I don’t think I would have doubts about transitioning.

The second variety of doubt, questioning if I am transgender, is new. I have not had thoughts like that since I have started my transition. This doubt is founded on a common logical flaw. As a result of taking HRT, my dysphoria has gone way down. However, because my dysphoria is no longer bother me as much, I am now wondering if I might not be trans. This is a pretty occurrence with some medications, such as antidepressants; a person gets on a medication that is helpful but they stop taking it because the problem “goes away”. Even though I can identify the flaw in my own thinking, that doesn’t stop the doubt from gnawing at me.

At the end of the day, these nagging doubts haven’t changed anything about my plans. I don’t want to stop transitioning and I know that I am transgender. These doubts only serve to distress me and to take up mental space. Every time they come up, I have to reason the doubts away. This makes them recede for a while, but they always return and I have to think them away again. Eventually they will fade away though, at least until the next milestone.

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