I feel like I am at kind of an odd place in my transition. I am generally quite happy with how it is going. The results so far have surpassed my expectations. I am not where I want to be yet, but I am working my way there. Yet, I keep finding myself asking, “now what do I do?”. What is the next step in my transition?
After only a few months on hormone, I have found myself with nothing to do. The hormones do all the work, I don’t have to do anything except take the pills and go to the HRT appointment every 3 months. Compared to the start of my transition, the actual activity involved in transitioning has gone down quite a bit. I can exercise and voice train but that is about all I can do to aid my transition. I find this lack of concrete actions to take quite frustrating. I feel like I need to do more to move my transition along.
The other frustrating aspect is how much my transition limits my other activities. I have been thinking about buying some clothes that match my gender, but now feels like the worst time to do so. Any clothes that fit me now will likely not fit me in a month or two, so it would be far wiser to wait. I have a similar issue with meeting new people. I don’t have many friends in my area so I was considering going out and meeting some new people. However, anyone I befriend now is someone that I eventually have to come out to. It seems wise for me to wait to make friends until after my transition is finished so that I can avoid those conversations. In both situations, my hormones therapy and my transition make waiting seem like the better option.
Ultimately, I feel stuck but not for any good reason. The hormones are doing what they are supposed to be doing and I am still seeing more and more progress. I am not “stuck” in any reasonable sense of the word. I just worry that I am not doing enough to make my transition “successful” (a completely subjective matter). The hard truth is that there is only so much that I can do at this moment. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is wait.