I have been thinking a lot about my transition recently and if I want to continue it. I don’t believe that transition was the wrong decision and so far I don’t regret transitioning. I feel better and happier than I have in my entire life. But I still have that nagging thought making me question if transition is worth it. I may be happy now, but I have not even come out to anyone yet. What effects will transition and coming out have on my future? I am kept awake at night by these kinds of thoughts.
It took me a long time to decide to transition. There was a 1.5-2 year period where I knew I was trans, but was utterly opposed to transitioning. It would create too many problems. Everything I wanted in life would be harder to achieve. I would face discrimination in the workplace and in general society. I would lose most if not all of my family and friends. And yet, I decided to transition anyway. There are several factors that played into that decision but ultimately I believed that a life after transition would be better than a life without transitioning. That the gains would be worth the costs or that I could avoid the negative consequences of transition. I was too idealistic. It was impossible for me to cut off my past completely; to transition without having to make some sacrifices. Deciding to transition might bring me happiness, but it would still have costs.
I am now wrestling with the reality of the sacrifices that I will have to make if I want to continuing transition and eventually come out. It will affect almost every aspect of my life and often in a negative way. It will hurt my job prospects, my dating life, and just be a general burden. I will no longer just experience passive transphobia, but instead targeted hate and discrimination. I am concerned that I can’t accomplish the things I want to and also transition. Maybe if I moved somewhere else it may be easier. My region is incredibly non-accepting, so I have considered relocating to a more progressive area. I would still face many of these same hurdles there. It is quite likely that it will be impossible for me to transition fully without sacrificing some of my life aspirations.
I honestly don’t have any intention of detransitioning. I want to transition. I am happy with the results so far. I am only thinking about stopping my transition because I am approaching the point of no return, where I won’t be able to hide it. I am afraid. Afraid of a future where I will be prevented from advancing in my career because I am trans. Where I am at a higher risk of being hurt or killed. Afraid of a future where I will be despised for something completely outside of my control and where I will need to fight every day just to be allowed to exist. The world is not friendly to transgender people and I am not optimistic enough to believe that it ever will be. I am afraid of having to live openly in that world and it is making me second guess my transition.